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A message to self:

You aren't going to be his first, his last, or his only. He's loved before, he will love again, but if he loves you now what else matters? He's not perfect. You aren't either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to him and give him the most you can. He isn't going to quote poetry, he's not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don't hurt him, don't change him, don't expect more than he can give. Don't analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he's not there. Love hard when there is love to be had.

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how i became 'ME'

way back when i was still in college i worked as a library assistant in a known university here in cebu. i was assigned at the graduate school lib where most of the people are grown ups and they were already in the so called serious phase of life. it was boring me to death so when i'm not reading criminal books, i used to chat with my co-workers and would tell them stories about how i became ME...

one of my co-worker whom i considered to be my dearest friend, her name is ladin(i used to call her my motherfucker. simply because she's older than me and though she's not a fucker i just love to call her 'ma'. we just can't stop laughing regarding this issue). we've been together for lots of years already and since she already heard all of my stories she decided to make it short so people will not get bored hearing/reading it. so here it is, my story as told by my mother-fucker. (hehe).



Long time ago, there live a beautiful & sexy princess name Mayang, who turned into a cute & ferocious yet sweet baby red dragon. She spent most of her time playin', until 1 day she accidentally burned herself while practicin' her fire-breathin' skill. She died and became an angel. For many centuries she live happily in heaven. But the story doesn't end there. She fell down from heaven hanged by a tree, she broke her wings. From being an angel she transformed into an immortal. An unknown species havin' an everlasting life. Who rocked the world with no reason yet touched the heart of every human being around her....hmmmm....the end?**********

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things i wish guys knew

1. I love corny jokes.
2. Don't say you understand when you don't.
3. when i say i understand, i really do.
4. sweet talk will always get you off the hook.
5. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.
6. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.
7. Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won't always cut it.
8. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
9. Don't compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson's, hers are fake.
10. If you won’t dress like Calvin Klien models, don’t expect us to dress in Victoria’s Secret.
11. Talking about girl-on-girl fantasies is not a good idea.
12. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper into my ear.
13. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.
14. I get turned on by simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
15. I expect you to call/pm me.
16. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
17. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.
18. I love surprises. Being thoughtful makes my day.
19. I have no sense of direction. Expect to get lost with me.
20. I love compliments.
21. when i ask you if i was fat, tell me you love me the way i am.
22. if i say you look sexy, you really do.
23. 'dont talk just kiss' - if i'm sad, i dont want rational arguments. just make me forget what has happened.
24. dont make me ask you if you loved me. say it spontaneously.
25. There is no such thing as too much spooning.
26. Foreplay is not an option . . . its a prerequisite.
27. Laugh at my jokes.
28. I have an excuse to act bitchy at least once a month.
29. Open the door for me no matter where we are .
30. I liked to be kissed softly, not with an iron tongue.
31.Pay attention to the little things I do, because they mean the most.
32. Don't say you love me if you don't mean it.
33. i like to know what you are thinking, because i care about you and are interested in you. Admittedly, sometimes i forget that you aren't thinking about anything. Particularly if you look like you are thinking. (Note to self: the absent look on his face means he's not thinking.)
34. There is nothing unmanly about having emotions and sharing them. It is actually healthy and helps build a relationship. Don't be afraid to tell me how you feel.
35. Relationships develop between two people who get to know each other by talking and doing things together. Sharing thoughts and experiences. Not just by being physically on the same planet.

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an updated version...

I know I can be so awkward at times. I can be insecure. You can call me naive, you can say I'm a child. You can say I'm so immature for me to say that I love you now. But you'll see I will prove somehow, I can be so much more. And there would be no reasons then to tell me that I'm just a friend. I'll be a much better person, you'll see. Maybe I should grow a much nicer nose, a much prettier set of eyes. Maybe I should wear more colorful clothes. If it'd help you to realize. I've never been this in love before. Never wanted to change at all. Now I'm willing to try...

'Coz someday there's gonna be an updated version of me.

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maes chicken halang-halang

Ooopps i did it again! i probably must be in the mood for some serious cooking this month. last sunday i've cooked bagoong fried rice for lunch and for today i've prepared chicken halang-halang. it's father's day and family day... so this recipe is great for this occasion. again, everything was just plain estimation. hmmm, i'm getting good at estimation these days. ingredients: chicken cut into bite size, chicken liver and gizzard, soy sauce, onions, finger chillies (siling mahaba in tagalog), red bell pepper, pepper, oil and some spring onions.

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prawns with butter

the picture below is one of the reasons why i can't leave home and be on my own. i'm not saying that i can't be independent it is just that my mama always knows what to cook for me. i've had prawns in butter for dinner. one of my favorites.

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maes bagoong fried rice

woke up today feeling like a chef so i've decided to make something for breakfast and as well as for lunch. this feeling-like-a-chef kind of thing must be due to the fact that i missed eating dinner last night and i'm starving like hell. i've only had 2 and a half slices of pizza before i got to sleep yesterday afternoon. so, for breakfast i made some tuna sandwiches and some hot choco. i wasn't able to take some photos as i'm already dying of starvation (this is me...exagarating again! lmao)

and for lunch i've cooked bagoong fried rice like a pro (or that's what i thought..hehehe)


yeah, i know it's pink! blame it on the pinkish shrimp paste. i wasn't able to buy a bottled shrimp paste at the groceries yesterday as i didn't plan this and so i bought this shrimp paste from a store nearby. what did i put on it? i mean the ingredients. everything was just plain estimation though. so i prepared the following: oil, pork cut into little pieces, shrimp paste, garlic, onions, scrambled eggs (cut into strips), green mango (cut into strips), cooked rice and some calamansi. and viola my own version of bagoong fried rice. i've had these for lunch today and i paired it with some fried fish and an ice cold coke. burp! (excuse me)

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old, dusty sneakers

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my take on hayden kho - katrina halili scandal

hmmm my opinion on this very controversial issue does not matter and i don't give a shit anyway or may be i do (not sure...hahaha). everything's done and all they could do now is to regain back the dignity they once have. does crying on tv helps? don't know for i haven't tried it yet. but if i were to put myself on the victim's shoes, one of the things that i would do (maybe, as i'm not quite sure yet) is to hire someone who would kill that jerk (this is me thinking evil thoughts hahaha...this is me just kidding).

i haven't seen it on tv but my mom said that hayden was interviewed and he asked for forgiveness as he didn't know that it's a crime and it's going to lead into this f*cking mess. i myself can forgive easily, most specially if the one at fault sincerely ask for forgiveness. hovewer, if my naked arse has already been viewed by millions then i guess that's another story...

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rock and rollin' @ 2V

list of wishes for mah birthday, i know it's kinda late but it is still my month so i've created a list anyway (lol). this list has been running on my mind for weeks now and it is only today that i've got the chance to blog about it. intangible wishes: forgiveness. more strength. courage. be loved. other wishes: a small notebook and a multi-color pen (doodles). digicam. nintendo ds lite. shi tzu or a pomeranian puppy. a 5 inches chilean rose tarantula. an emperor scorpion.

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random list of best things in my life that are free

acceptance. second chances. real friends. family. hugs and kisses. joy brought by skittle (my pet) . smiles from the unknown. corny jokes from friends. doodling. being remembered by friends that i no longer see. singing in the shower. dancing in my room. the innocent look on lil' basty's face (my nephew). hearing my song being played on the radio. rest days. vacation leaves. kulitan. no OT's at work. ice creams from friends. slacking off with great budz. accepted apologies. 10 hours of sleep without nightmares. day dreaming. non-sense talks. being invisible. a shoulder to lean on. hope. sunshine. sunrise. sunset. rain. cool wind blowing on my face. fog. morning dews. rainbows. shooting star.

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i'm on BLOG LEAVE!

i don't know for how long and i don't know if i will be able to write again.

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a kid again

woke up today and i just wanted to be a kid again. i wanted to skip instead of walk. i wanted to go to the beach and collect sea shells or perhaps go to a book store and start collecting sweet smelling stationery with cute colored cartoons on it. i wanna play "hopscotch" or "mother may i?" like i always do when i was younger. i badly miss the cotton candy outside of school when i was in elementary. and yes i'm planning on doing some of the things that i usually do when life was still as easy as 1-2-3. like eating ice cream before my meal. screaming at the top of my lungs. watching cartoons at 11pm when there's no class on the next day. play millionaires game like crazy. sleep with a stuff toy beside me (my blue dolphin will do...lol). i wanna read jughead's comic books all over again. i wanna draw/sketch garfield in an entire notebook and color it with colours that you coudn't have imagine. cut out paper dolls and make cute dresses for her. a lot of things that i wanna do, so let me start this by eating a strawberry flavoured lollipop and embracing this child in me. *wink (check my old school pic...hehe)

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did you know???

did you know that her favorite color is black but still she's terrified of the dark? that when she's alone she can't sleep with the lights off, or every time she thinks of you she smiles? did you know that she hates arguing because she's never really good at it and that she hates to go a day without talking to you? did you know that she's also a movie freak? that she had watched almost all of the movies that you have seen? problem is, she usually forgets the title and the name of the actors on it. did you know that she loves listening to Korn as much as she loves Ne-yo? and did you know that for every time she was on the dance floor and she's partying all night, that's because she was hurting? did you know that she's not good with names and that she doesn't have a sense of direction? that sometimes she gets confused where's left and where's right? did you know that she love candies? that she goes gaga over gummy bears and gummy worms? did you know that on her next life she wanted to be a pirate? and did you know that she's learning how to play poker? only because she's not good at it and she thinks that you are? did you know that she can always sense if you're mad at her? or did you know that for every time you're wearing a gloomy face she would always wonder what's bugging you and she's hoping that you would tell her? did you know that she hates it that people can say one thing but feel a totally different way? and did you ever take the time to realize that you're her everything?

Now who is 'SHE'? and who are 'YOU'? did you ever wonder?

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found it and love it

She said that she wanted to get high.
He took her to the tallest hill in town.
She said that she wanted to stay up all night and drink.
He gave her a 12 pack of caffeinated Pepsi and said, "Drink up."
She said that she wanted to shoot herself in the face.
He gave her a water gun, put her finger on the trigger,
aimed it at her face, and helped her pull the trigger.
She said that she wanted to cut herself.
He took a Polaroid of her, handed it to her along with scissors, and had her cut it up.
She said that she wanted to see her blood.
He took her to get her ears pierced.
She said that she wanted to cry herself to sleep.
He had her watch a sad, romantic movie before bed.
She said that she wanted to be alone.
He gave her a name tag that said "My Name Is: Alone."
She said that she wanted to have someone there to take care of her, always.
He asked when he wasn't.

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these and those

i'm sorry if i don't have an exact explanation for these feelings, all i know is that these are real. i have been searching for the exact reason why i love you and i've actually come up with a list (i even have this list from my previous post about things that i love about you). but then i realized that even with all of these lists (another one below), it is still not enough. those lists still doesn't do any justice to what i've felt. there is still this unknown reason that i cannot explain why i love you this much.

- i love you because you are YOU. an epitome of a real person.
- i love you because you are the only person that i have known to accept failure as if you are winning.
- i love you not only because you are a good person but also because i know that you can be bad but you know how to admit your mistakes and you learn from them.
- i know i love you because every time that you are hurting, it hurts me more to see that you are in pain.
- i have this "i-don't-wanna-grow-old" feeling but you gave me the reason to love the fact that people grow old because i wanna be the one who's going to be right next to you when our hair turns grey and we have wrinkles all over our faces
- you tend to be forgetful sometimes, you snore when you sleep, you are so 'makulit', you are not good with numbers, you seldom smile, you tend to ignore me at times but then again you care like no other, your smile brightens my day, the look on your face always makes me wanna protect you from i don't know what/who...may be from someone who's going to hurt you or may be even from myself, your laughter and giggles never fail to make me happy...and i love you for all of these and more.

and going back to what we've had... this i'm sure, i was at my happiest when i was with you and i could never thank you enough for those mem'ries.

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saturday and just got paid whoah!

it's a saturday! no work for me today which means that there's no irate and dumb callers and i am so in the mood for slacking off but i have a lot of things to do not only today but 'til tomorrow.

here are my "updated" list of things to do before monday:

1. get the perfect substrate that i'm gonna be needing for my new baby's home - done
2. prepare the 'crib' for my new baby - done
3. get a pedicure - done
4. i bought 2 new dresses and i have to take them to the seamstress for a little adjustment - done
5. need to go to ayala today at 1pm to meet bro2x and get my new pet tarantula - done
6. buy tools (tweezers, nail cutter, paint brush) - done
7. get a full body massage later tonight - done

8. there's a scheduled night out with friends @11pm (still not quite sure if i would go as i would really love to take a beauty rest but at the same time i don't want to miss the party) - i didn't go, took some rest instead

9. need to finish watching the movies that i have started watching last week
10. download songs of Macy Gray
11. download gridiron gang movie - done
12. go to the grocery - done
13. write a post about my new baby
14. cook shrimp paste with pork for tomorrow
15 . change my blog's skin
16. join CAS - done
17. go to Crocolandia tomorrow for CAS's exhibit - i didn't go but bro2x said that there's a next time and promised that he will keep me posted

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my creepy little baby

just a couple of hours more before i'm going to finally meet my new baby...i already love him even if i haven't met him yet, oh that creepy little monster! i'm just so excited and can't wait to see him. meanwhile i'm watching helpful videos just like the one below (and not only because the narrator looks good and is kinda irresistible to watch but his videos are really helpful).

How to Choose a Pet Chaco Tarantula -- powered by eHow.com

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chocolate, probably better than sex

here's the story behind the title: i've joined a search for ms. "something" last friday the 13th, just this month. all of the contestants (there were ten of us) were asked a total of ten questions each. one of the question as i've remembered it, was:

"if you were an ice cream what flavor would you be and why?"

other contestants answered strawberry, rocky road etc. but i'm not satisfied with their reasons why. though i admit that i love strawberry flavored ice cream, it's just that i don't think it would do me any justice (kidding). so i was thinking, if i were an ice cream what flavor would i be and why? first thing comes to mind was the last ice cream that i've eaten late last month. that was after an early drinking session when frenk (my number 1 fan...lol) and i went to sm. frenk bought a pair of sandals and i bought a pair of flip flops. just before we went home i bought a cupful of chocolate truffle ice cream from Gelatissimo in SM Cebu (picture above). just tasted heaven from a little cup (this is me exaggerating...lol). going back to the search, after the question has been thrown at me and after my number has been called i immediately answered:

"if i were an ice cream i would be a chocolate truffle... simply because it is better than sex"

audience screamed as though they're on a tv show, so i stop and asked myself: was that my serious answer to that question? or was it just that i wanna give them a good show? well, probably chocolate is really better than sex but it might also be that i just wanna give them a good laugh. that's all!

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christmas in february

i wasn't able to celebrate christmas last december due to some reasons that i can no longer remember. so i promised myself to celebrate it some other time. and so here it comes, christmas in february (i guess i can just celebrate valentines in november...lol). what i did for christmas...

- i've decided to give away gifts to some of my close friends.

-i've treated my college friends to a night out with booze, girls and an awesome party.

- went to David's Salon so they could treat my eyebrows. they call it 'eyebrow threading' and it's so damn painful, so much painful than a heartbreak or getting a tattoo.. (*wink) but it's worth it. i shed a tear during the process because it really hurts.


- bought myself a gift. it's not that much but i've been wanting to have that dress for like a month now. the price is actually more than a day of work in the office but i didn't mind because i so damn deserved this gift (lol).

- and christmas won't be christmas without candies. bought a bag of candies from 'Candy Corner'. just love gummy bears and gummy false teeth...cool.

- what excites me the most about this month is this other gift that i am about to give to myself... (picture borrowed from Google)

and lastly i wanted to eat at my favorite restaurant. i badly miss Krua Thai's bagoong rice... i'm gonna go there i guess this weekend or may be next week... so this is how i've celebrated my own christmas in february. of course my family already had their share last december. this is just a crhistmas spent with me, myself and some friends...how did you spent yours? (lol)

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my broken smile and fake curls

have you heard of the quote that says "life must go on"? surely everybody does and as much as i don't want to...i'm still here, still breathing and still feeling the pain. i have been faking almost everything for days now. trying to look tough though everything inside of me is falling apart. pretending it's okay though everything is not alright. laughing though i'm crying inside. trying to forget but never cease to remember. dancing while dying.

i've managed to smile, despite the gloom but damn it...it shows off...it's broken. but NO i don't need anybody and YES i can fix this on my own. and another thing, i've been wearing this fake curls for like 5 days now and i am loving it. guess fake is not that bad after all eh!?

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lifeless

WARNING: this is an emo (emotional) post, don't read if you do not want to...LOL.

how can i still be breathing and feel so lifeless? life seems so empty, dull, futile. everything seems to be so depressing, everything just seems so dead. these past few days i've been thinking about my fears and was looking for the right person to help me overcome them...what i didn't know is that there are things which are worst than my fears. these are the things which i should have been afraid of in the first place. why didn't it ever cross my mind?

just today i have answered this question. it didn't cross my mind because i believe in it...i believe in everything but just as when i was trying to claim it, it is no longer there. where is it? where would i be able to find it? can i still claim it? i know i should stop asking a lot of questions because no one's going to answer them. if only i could burry and forget about it, but i can't. i've forced myself into making a decision which is against my will and i know i am going to regret it for the rest of my life. i wanted to ask for forgiveness, i wanted to scream "i'm sorry i'm not going to be that stupid ever again" but i don't know if the clouds are still willing to listen to all of this. i've tried begging but the clouds already took away the sunshine. and now i'm lost, i don't know if i am already dead or just a spirit walking soon to find out that she's already dead.

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of things like newspaper, gangrene and chocolates

what's up with me lately? well, here are some few things...i screwed up, hurt the person i love the most, pushed him away from me and then i became the world's greatest loser. while i was busy thinking how to get my life back and how to fix everything, one thing comes to mind...suicide! how's that for a change? so then i was checking for ways on how to do it but before i could even decide whether to cut my wrist or hang myself, friends flooded me with reasons as to why committing a suicide suckz and it suckz bigtime! refer to their astounding reasons below.

"if you're going to commit suicide, headline the next day on our local newspaper would be so damn terrible and funny that you'd be ashamed reading it" -my instant bf

"SL refund is still this up coming feb, you won't get to enjoy your 6k by then" -mc'coolotz

"i still wanna see lil clado's so i don't wanna commit suicide. come to think of it you'd be a coward killing yourself, it would be best to kill somebody else (rock on!)." -clado

"i've been there, i know you can make it...look at me! charged it all to experience." - close gf

"surely someone else will come, just like what john lloyd had said. it's hard but you can make it." -another close gf

"He took a part of you. That part will always be gone with him. I believe that you are strong enough to get past it. So take some time to cry and stuff yourself with chocolate." -wish.onm

"This will hurt, no matter which path you take, but it’s like amputating a part of your body: either you do it (and it will hurt), or the gangrene is going to eat you alive (which is a lot more painful)." -yassengregorovich

and my say:

"my net-take-home-pay this coming 30 is quite awesome so might as well party like i've never partied before but it still suckz u know!" -maeyang

...and so what made me decide not to give it a go? it must be the newspaper thing...hehehe... seriously it's really the newspaper thing. i don't wanna be on a newspaper's headline and be laughed at... so i wanna thank you 'best' for that very brilliant advised. you just saved my butt. however, you still owe me a treat at mikado. now, when will that be huh?

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ledge dancing, booze, good friends

just the other night we went dancing and got drunk at Juliana Club. i'm with friends, friends from college. I say very close friends that they've considered me to be their little sister. i have no choice as i was the only girl way back then and even until now. being with them is a hell of fun. they're as crazy as i am, even more...one thing though, i could never ever find a date whenever i'm with them (lol...as if i am looking for one). not even a single stranger (and when i say stranger i mean a man *wink) was able to touch my hips and dance with me. 'coz every time somebody approaches, they usually scare them away. i don't know what's with them, i don't know what's with this protection kind of thing. they have always been like that. though i know i can take good care of myself...it still feels good to know that they care. aside from my friends i was able to dance with this sexy girl named norin (good thing she's a girl or else i wouldn't have a chance to dance with anybody else that night...hehe). ledge dancing with them and with the girl was really out of this world. though this is not my first time but that night was really great. sooo great that some of my friends brought the beer outside and on our way to the bus station. it's a good thing they never caught us. we're like stealing it though we've paid for it. that was fun. the night ended early in the morning and all of them took me to the bus station so i could go home. we're still drinking beers even on our way. ledge dancing, booze, good friends what else could i ask for...

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