my take on hayden kho - katrina halili scandal

hmmm my opinion on this very controversial issue does not matter and i don't give a shit anyway or may be i do (not sure...hahaha). everything's done and all they could do now is to regain back the dignity they once have. does crying on tv helps? don't know for i haven't tried it yet. but if i were to put myself on the victim's shoes, one of the things that i would do (maybe, as i'm not quite sure yet) is to hire someone who would kill that jerk (this is me thinking evil thoughts hahaha...this is me just kidding).

i haven't seen it on tv but my mom said that hayden was interviewed and he asked for forgiveness as he didn't know that it's a crime and it's going to lead into this f*cking mess. i myself can forgive easily, most specially if the one at fault sincerely ask for forgiveness. hovewer, if my naked arse has already been viewed by millions then i guess that's another story...

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lifeless

WARNING: this is an emo (emotional) post, don't read if you do not want to...LOL.

how can i still be breathing and feel so lifeless? life seems so empty, dull, futile. everything seems to be so depressing, everything just seems so dead. these past few days i've been thinking about my fears and was looking for the right person to help me overcome them...what i didn't know is that there are things which are worst than my fears. these are the things which i should have been afraid of in the first place. why didn't it ever cross my mind?

just today i have answered this question. it didn't cross my mind because i believe in it...i believe in everything but just as when i was trying to claim it, it is no longer there. where is it? where would i be able to find it? can i still claim it? i know i should stop asking a lot of questions because no one's going to answer them. if only i could burry and forget about it, but i can't. i've forced myself into making a decision which is against my will and i know i am going to regret it for the rest of my life. i wanted to ask for forgiveness, i wanted to scream "i'm sorry i'm not going to be that stupid ever again" but i don't know if the clouds are still willing to listen to all of this. i've tried begging but the clouds already took away the sunshine. and now i'm lost, i don't know if i am already dead or just a spirit walking soon to find out that she's already dead.

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of things like newspaper, gangrene and chocolates

what's up with me lately? well, here are some few things...i screwed up, hurt the person i love the most, pushed him away from me and then i became the world's greatest loser. while i was busy thinking how to get my life back and how to fix everything, one thing comes to mind...suicide! how's that for a change? so then i was checking for ways on how to do it but before i could even decide whether to cut my wrist or hang myself, friends flooded me with reasons as to why committing a suicide suckz and it suckz bigtime! refer to their astounding reasons below.

"if you're going to commit suicide, headline the next day on our local newspaper would be so damn terrible and funny that you'd be ashamed reading it" -my instant bf

"SL refund is still this up coming feb, you won't get to enjoy your 6k by then" -mc'coolotz

"i still wanna see lil clado's so i don't wanna commit suicide. come to think of it you'd be a coward killing yourself, it would be best to kill somebody else (rock on!)." -clado

"i've been there, i know you can make it...look at me! charged it all to experience." - close gf

"surely someone else will come, just like what john lloyd had said. it's hard but you can make it." -another close gf

"He took a part of you. That part will always be gone with him. I believe that you are strong enough to get past it. So take some time to cry and stuff yourself with chocolate." -wish.onm

"This will hurt, no matter which path you take, but it’s like amputating a part of your body: either you do it (and it will hurt), or the gangrene is going to eat you alive (which is a lot more painful)." -yassengregorovich

and my say:

"my net-take-home-pay this coming 30 is quite awesome so might as well party like i've never partied before but it still suckz u know!" -maeyang

...and so what made me decide not to give it a go? it must be the newspaper thing...hehehe... seriously it's really the newspaper thing. i don't wanna be on a newspaper's headline and be laughed at... so i wanna thank you 'best' for that very brilliant advised. you just saved my butt. however, you still owe me a treat at mikado. now, when will that be huh?

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i really didn't mean to...

finally I've decided to write something about what's happening to me lately, it has been a long time...i know. lately I've discovered that i could have the guts to tell someone what i feel though i know that he will never ever feel the same. hearing those words coming straight from him made me sick (y'all know what i mean). i never thought that the feeling of being rejected could be this painful but then again i have to deal with it.

Did i made it sound like he's a bad person? No, i really don't think he is, though we usually argue about it. I know his heart is made of steel but then again i still believe that there's more to that hard shell than what my eyes can see. After all, I've fallen in love with him in the first place. I have this list that goes on like forever for things that i love about him. things like his shirt, his ears, his slippers, shoes, cap, his hair, the way he drinks his coke, the way he puffed his cigarette, the way he sings and even the way he dance, the way he talk and the list goes on...

i believe he's a blessing in disguise though, for he made me realized something. He made me realized that jumping into a relationship is really not a good idea (not at all), come to think of it I've been through a lot of failed relationships too. the good thing about what happened is that I've learned to love without expecting an inch of love in return and it feels good, I've come to enjoy life a little bit more, I've learned to appreciate all of the pain that the world is causing me. I'm just hoping that he'll forgive me, for i really didn't mean to fall.

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hated

i hate it when someone is mad at me or who happens to hate me for who i am...but who the hell cares anyways. am not that mean and didn't cause any trouble to anyone...am just being me and if ever i did ruin a single moment of their precious life...well im sorry. was it my fault if they don't like me at all? who are they to judge me? i know i'm not perfect and i don't claim to be. I keep my profile public so my haters can check up on me.

You may hate all you want but you can't break this ice inside of me. I think if i were you i'd probably hate me too. (kidding)

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yet another reason...

this is really, really great, i guess i've found another reason to smile today...although it is still unclear but one thing's for sure it has given me yet another reason to live. sh*t, life sometimes really rockz!!!

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DEATH...such a sweet escape!

i felt really great last night, I was on a bus on my way home when I started thinking... what if I am going to meet Mr. Death tonight...am I prepared for it? I've checked myself and I was so damned amazed by what I've discovered...sh*t I am no longer afraid to die, I have even prayed for it last night, though I was not able to finish my prayer because of the fact that I don't wanna cause hassle to those people on that bus. I've come to a realization that I am no longer petrified, scared of dying. Come to think of it...what if you're going to hire someone to kill you, would that still be suicide?...whatever.... I'm just glad that at this point in time I have come to appreciate Death! I look at death right now as an art, a painting for example...and I wanted mine to be drawn using water colors. cool!


The only people who fear death are those with regrets.

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again?

here i am again feeling so sad and alone...i really don't know why most of the time i really do feel this way. family's ok, friends are fine...although lovelife is zero...but wait, is it because of that factor?...well i don't think so. it is just that i don't feel like i belong in this world sometimes. i really hate myself sometimes, i don't even know why i feel like crying while doing this. wow! was it because i've seen the man that i love getting too close to another woman or was it because of the fact that i hate the chair that i am using today, funny as i may say but i really feel like crying. damn!

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