lifeless

WARNING: this is an emo (emotional) post, don't read if you do not want to...LOL.

how can i still be breathing and feel so lifeless? life seems so empty, dull, futile. everything seems to be so depressing, everything just seems so dead. these past few days i've been thinking about my fears and was looking for the right person to help me overcome them...what i didn't know is that there are things which are worst than my fears. these are the things which i should have been afraid of in the first place. why didn't it ever cross my mind?

just today i have answered this question. it didn't cross my mind because i believe in it...i believe in everything but just as when i was trying to claim it, it is no longer there. where is it? where would i be able to find it? can i still claim it? i know i should stop asking a lot of questions because no one's going to answer them. if only i could burry and forget about it, but i can't. i've forced myself into making a decision which is against my will and i know i am going to regret it for the rest of my life. i wanted to ask for forgiveness, i wanted to scream "i'm sorry i'm not going to be that stupid ever again" but i don't know if the clouds are still willing to listen to all of this. i've tried begging but the clouds already took away the sunshine. and now i'm lost, i don't know if i am already dead or just a spirit walking soon to find out that she's already dead.

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of things like newspaper, gangrene and chocolates

what's up with me lately? well, here are some few things...i screwed up, hurt the person i love the most, pushed him away from me and then i became the world's greatest loser. while i was busy thinking how to get my life back and how to fix everything, one thing comes to mind...suicide! how's that for a change? so then i was checking for ways on how to do it but before i could even decide whether to cut my wrist or hang myself, friends flooded me with reasons as to why committing a suicide suckz and it suckz bigtime! refer to their astounding reasons below.

"if you're going to commit suicide, headline the next day on our local newspaper would be so damn terrible and funny that you'd be ashamed reading it" -my instant bf

"SL refund is still this up coming feb, you won't get to enjoy your 6k by then" -mc'coolotz

"i still wanna see lil clado's so i don't wanna commit suicide. come to think of it you'd be a coward killing yourself, it would be best to kill somebody else (rock on!)." -clado

"i've been there, i know you can make it...look at me! charged it all to experience." - close gf

"surely someone else will come, just like what john lloyd had said. it's hard but you can make it." -another close gf

"He took a part of you. That part will always be gone with him. I believe that you are strong enough to get past it. So take some time to cry and stuff yourself with chocolate." -wish.onm

"This will hurt, no matter which path you take, but it’s like amputating a part of your body: either you do it (and it will hurt), or the gangrene is going to eat you alive (which is a lot more painful)." -yassengregorovich

and my say:

"my net-take-home-pay this coming 30 is quite awesome so might as well party like i've never partied before but it still suckz u know!" -maeyang

...and so what made me decide not to give it a go? it must be the newspaper thing...hehehe... seriously it's really the newspaper thing. i don't wanna be on a newspaper's headline and be laughed at... so i wanna thank you 'best' for that very brilliant advised. you just saved my butt. however, you still owe me a treat at mikado. now, when will that be huh?

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ledge dancing, booze, good friends

just the other night we went dancing and got drunk at Juliana Club. i'm with friends, friends from college. I say very close friends that they've considered me to be their little sister. i have no choice as i was the only girl way back then and even until now. being with them is a hell of fun. they're as crazy as i am, even more...one thing though, i could never ever find a date whenever i'm with them (lol...as if i am looking for one). not even a single stranger (and when i say stranger i mean a man *wink) was able to touch my hips and dance with me. 'coz every time somebody approaches, they usually scare them away. i don't know what's with them, i don't know what's with this protection kind of thing. they have always been like that. though i know i can take good care of myself...it still feels good to know that they care. aside from my friends i was able to dance with this sexy girl named norin (good thing she's a girl or else i wouldn't have a chance to dance with anybody else that night...hehe). ledge dancing with them and with the girl was really out of this world. though this is not my first time but that night was really great. sooo great that some of my friends brought the beer outside and on our way to the bus station. it's a good thing they never caught us. we're like stealing it though we've paid for it. that was fun. the night ended early in the morning and all of them took me to the bus station so i could go home. we're still drinking beers even on our way. ledge dancing, booze, good friends what else could i ask for...

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